A ten year old secret

I've been so welcomed into the online community--not just by writers and publishing people--but by teens, tweens and all types of fabulous people I never would have met without my blog. :) I consider you all friends, and I think it's time I share a ten year old secret with you.

I felt the need to do so now because of the volume of mail I've been receiving from wonderful readers who "want to look like me." I feel like a total fraud. Like I am portraying a false image of what they should aspire to look like. Readers who sent me this mail do not know what I've done to my body to look how I have in the past.

I've been struggling with anorexia since I was fourteen. Maybe even a little before then. For me, it was never a "I want to be skinny and then I'll be pretty!" it was a control issue. My home life was chaotic, I had no control and with food, I had the power. I chose what I ate, when, how much.

Over the years, my weight fluctuated depending on how things were at home. I reached my lowest, scariest weight in April 2009.  By then, my body was severely damaged. My hair was falling out, I was growing soft, thick hair on my arms in an effort to keep my body warm, I had more cavities than any religious teeth brusher should have. I fainted. Several times. I was freezing all of the time. Nosebleeds were part of my day. I had no energy.

I moved to NYC, determined to change my habits. I tried and failed. I tried again, failing. Finally, last fall, I saw how much it was hurting someone I loved. She told me she was scared that I'd have a heart attack, that my organs would start shutting down, or something worse would happen. I'd known, all along, that this can happen with anorexia, but I was deeply in it. Those options didn't seem real. But hurting her did. As my best friend, she said I had to change. I had to fix this--either one more try on my own or check into a treatment center.

I was terrified. I didn't think I could do it and I balked at the idea of treatment. But I went online, ordered a dozen Ensure weight-gain drinks, forced myself to start eating meals, and veeeerry slowly, a change happened. I worked so damn hard. You'd think gaining weight is easy.

It isn't.

I had a couple of minor set backs, but nothing even remotely close to the weight I had been. The weight I'd been while standing outside a bar in 2009 and a man walked up to me and said I needed to eat a burger.

Now, it's not a daily struggle. I think about it from time to time, but I will never go back to the place of making my already ill best friend worry that I'm going to starve myself to death. If I'm feeling like old habits might be creeping up, I talk to her about them. Honesty is saving me. My face isn't hollow anymore. My hair stopped falling out. My premature wrinkles stopped forming. I went from a barely A-cup to a C-cup. (And I love it!!) I love my body and feel so confident with it. There's no going back.

I wanted to share this because I know so many young girls, guys, and women are going through it. Mostly, I want to say to my readers--you do not want to look like me. Maybe the me now who is healthy. But not the old me. I will never go back. I say that with absolute certainty. If you're struggling, know that you can make it. We can--and are--fighting this.

xo